


It's easier for me to get closer to Heaven (than to ever feel whole again)

by Sunrayne



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst and Porn, Ava's there to comfort her, F/F, I love them so much ugh, One Shot, Porn with Feelings, Sara's having a breakdown, Smut, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:47:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24825547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunrayne/pseuds/Sunrayne
Summary: Sara lost control and she feels broken and hopeless and empty andlike nothing will ever be okay again. She needs to feel something, and Ava helps her with that.(Or: Sara having a breakdown and Ava fucking her to make her feel whole again.)
Relationships: Sara Lance & Ava Sharpe, Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 6
Kudos: 84





	It's easier for me to get closer to Heaven (than to ever feel whole again)

**Author's Note:**

> Well... hi! I was feeling kinda off yesterday and then this came out of my hands. No shame. It's kind of angsty in some way, but it's basically porn with feelings and Sara who needs to get herself back together. I haven't written anything smutty in a _looong_ time. I hope you like! Let me know what you think.
> 
> (The lyrics used are from The Cure's 'Disintegration'. It's gorgeous.)
> 
> By the way, if you're reading my multi-chaptered other fic: chapter five will probably be up on Monday.

_Dropping through sky_

You know, how some feelings are indescribable? Not a single word even _close_ to _right_ enough to capture the sensation of this kind of falling apart?

Her mouth is dying to let Ava into her mind, even though at the time she _doesn't_ want her to, but she can't.

She feels raw. Her insides feel raw, her thoughts feel raw and her mouth tastes raw. 

The thing is, she is (too) familiar with this feeling. Every time things are right and she feels able to breathe and maybe she's doing _better_ , its weight pulls her back down and makes her drown again. 

It reminds her of what she deserves. It reminds her of the pain she is supposed to feel. 

That it'll never let her out of its grip.

That she still has no control.

That she never will. 

(Not over this, at least.)

"Look at me, Sara."

The dark-green color of the bathroom tiles screams at her. The space suddenly feels cramped and everything shiny white is making her dizzy. 

Sara's back is against the door because she doesn't trust her legs, and Ava is leaning against the sink across from her, a few meters apart.

Her nails are digging hard into the palms of her hands. Too hard, yet not hard enough. She needs to feel something, and goes for pain because it is _easy_ , in an attempt to ground herself.

"I failed. I killed him, Ava, I—"

Sara closes her mouth. 

She doesn't want to look at her. She can't. One time has to be the last — a time where Ava finally sees that Sara will never learn and that she's not worth it. 

And it feels like if she looks up and still sees caring in Ava's stormy eyes, _love_ , even after what she's done, it may be even worse in some sort of way.

Ava, _her_ Ava, who was too perfect to have to pull her up again and again and again.

It's weird, really, how Sara's confidence and control was so easily thrown away, somewhere out of reach, feeling like she never had it in the first place. 

And only she could tear herself down to this.

(And she knew Ava could, if she would leave her for example, and that scared her to death, because no-one had been this important before.)

Deep down she knows she'll be able to get it back, the control, but in moments like this it feels like it never will. 

_Through the glass of the roof_

She is shaking and digs her nails harder into her skin.

"I lost myself." She hears herself saying, but it feels like her voice belongs to someone else.

"Sara, _look at me_."

Then she does, because she doesn't know what else to do.

Her head spins.

"This wasn't your fault. You're doing so great Sara. If you didn't kill him, he would've shot Ray. You had no choice. You're _good_ , Sara."

So much calmth. And control.

They are both masters in being on top of things, leaders, in _control_. The only thing is Sara loses it and Ava doesn't. 

Not really.

She doesn't know what to say, so instead of sharing more of the current dark and empty that was her mind, she wraps her arms around herself. 

Nails still digging, eyes still lost in Ava's piercing ones, trying to decide if she deserves the comfort she may find in them.

Then Ava is close and her fingertips touch her arm.

"Don't touch me."

_She doesn't deserve it._

Ava doesn't let go.

"Don't touch me."

_She wants her to, but she shouldn't._

Ava just grips her tighter.

And then Sara knows she lost. She lets herself go and falls into her arms, her comfort, her home, even though she doesn't deserve it.

She doesn't, she doesn't, she doesn't.

_Through the roof of your mouth_

Ava catches her, _of course she does_ , and wraps her arms around her. She's close, yet not close enough. The sweet whisperings don't reach her ears, but Sara decides to focus on its calming tone.

"Breathe, babe," Ava says.

She tries to. She really does.

Her legs are giving out under her and she slowly brings herself to the ground, back sliding down against the door, Ava with her. One hand is still clenched into a fist, the other holds onto the sleeve of Ava's shirt like her life depends on it.

"Please make me feel something."

The words leave her mouth in nothing more than a whisper, and it's desperate. Sara hates putting her control in someone elses hands, vulnerable, but she doesn't have the energy to keep fighting.

And she doesn't have to, because it's Ava.

Her eyes find her girlfriends' and in them she finds understanding of some sorts, worry, while in her own it's a silent plea, hopelessness.

Ava moves her left hand to Sara's left upper arm and starts caressing the skin with her thumb. The right puts a loose strand of hair behind her ear, and cups her cheek after.

"Don't be gentle."

She doesn't deserve gentle and she needs to feel and even if it hurts a little bit, it's better. Ava doesn't want to hurt her, but she knows what Sara needs.

_Please take over control, so I might regain it later again._

"Okay, babe," Ava responds, softly. "Just relax. You'll be okay. I got you. _Breathe_."

Her words are so sweet and soft and kind and Sara really tries to believe her, but she can't. Not now. She failed and she's still broken and— 

_Oh._

_Through the mouth of your eye_

Ava's hands are gripping her sides, stilling her against the wall, pushing her kinda into it, thumbs digging into the skin of her stomach, her muscles there, deliciously hard enough.

"Concentrate on my hands, my voice. Let your thoughts go. _Please_ , Sara?"

She can't talk, but nods weakly.

Ava knows what she needs, how to handle her, what to do pretty much all the time, so she trusts her with it.

Just when she's almost able to breathe properly, in and out, in and out, Ava's knee finds its way between her legs and pushes into it. She lets it stay there, a pressure, a friction to hold onto right _there_ , and Sara whimpers.

Sara's trapped between the wall and Ava's body and it makes her feel steady enough to let go of the nails still digging into her hand. Her palm stings, but it's nice.

Even though Ava's eyes are lovely and gives her the hope everything might be okay, she might be, _she still doesn't deserve it_ , so she closes her eyes.

Ava moves her hands up and up and up — her stomach flutters and her body is screaming and then her girlfriend reaches her bra.

"I'm going to fuck you, Sara, is that okay?"

She can only give her another nod and a sound leaving her lips that's just desperate.

Her knee is still there and she can't think. And that's good, because that is what she wants. A distraction. A feeling.

Ava's breath is suddenly on the skin of her neck and Sara shivers. Her lips are soft and her mouth is warm. She plants soft kisses along there, her tongue and teeth present. Ava tilts Sara's head to side, against the wall, keeping it there with the tip of her fingers.

Then she licks from halfway up her neck to the underside of her ear, just behind it, and she feels lost.

A _good_ lost, this time.

Sara moans.

_Through the eye of the needle_

"You're amazing. You're doing so good."

No, she isn't, but she doesn't argue, because she's finally feeling.

Instead she moans again, a little bit louder this time, because Ava's knee pushes _just_ a bit harder against her clit through her jeans and she started sucking on her pulse point.

She's trapped, she's under Ava's control, and she doesn't want it any other way.

" _Please_."

Sara manages to open her mouth and say something, but it's not much more than a whisper. 

Usually living for minutes after minutes of foreplay, she couldn't now. Ava knows that.

So she gives in.

Her knee is gone, then, and Sara whimpers. Before she's able to get back to where she was a couple of minutes ago, to _think_ , Ava undoes the button of her jeans and pushes them down until they're stuck mid-thigh.

Ava lets her head go, but turns her face her way, before sliding that hand down and softly but firmly planting it over her throat.

 _Oh God_.

"Do you feel me?"

Sara opens her eyes and looks right into Ava's and she's butter in her hands, really.

Then her free hand slides down her stomach, stops just above her underwear, leaves completely, and then just one finger is pressing firmly against her clit through her panties. 

No movement, just feel.

She pushes a little harder.

"I said, do you feel me?"

Sara's breathing heavily. "Y-Yes."

"Good."

Her panties are pulled down until they can't go further, too.

_It's easier for me to get closer to Heaven_

"I love you," Ava whispers, and even though the hand on her throat was far from sweet and innocent, the thumb of that hand strokes against her skin one time to emphasize her words.

Before she's able to respond, or at least make an attempt to, Ava bores her eyes into hers and slams two of her fingers in.

 _Fuck_.

There is no room for thinking anymore.

Her fingers feel so good and she's pushing in, and then out, with force. Her thrusts are rough yet controlled, the base of her fingers smacking against her skin each time she's all the way in, and Sara closes her eyes again because it's too much but it also isn't.

She fucks her and she fucks her and she fucks her and Sara breathes again.

(Barely, but still.)

"So good, baby," Ava says.

A third finger is added and Sara tries to find something to hold onto. She goes for the first thing she can find; Ava's shoulders. Maybe her grip is too hard, afraid to let go now, but if it hurt it only made Ava go harder.

Sara just moans. She moans over and over again and the inside of her eyelids look white and sparkly.

She wants to let herself go, but she wants this feeling to last forever, too.

Her body is on fire and everything is forgotten.

Ava holds onto her pace, not even room for going faster or harder or rougher because this is all she has. Sara rarely likes it this rough, but when she does Ava gives her _everything_.

The grip on her throat becomes tighter, the tiniest bit, and the sound of sex and Ava's variety between dirty and praising words brings her to her peak sooner than she realizes.

It only takes the littlest pressure on her clit, only a couple of barely-there circles, and she's falling.

Her body spasms but Ava holds her close, tight and upright. She doesn't slow her pace, not yet, and works Sara through her orgasm with everything still going at it.

Then she slows down. 

Moves the hand from her throat to her hair and strokes it.

Moves the hand inside her towards her mouth and licks her fingers clean, in a way that makes Sara dizzy.

" _I love you_."

_Than ever feel whole again_

She doesn't deserve it.

She doesn't, but it's all she wants. All she needs.

And maybe — just maybe things will be alright again.

(Of course they will.)


End file.
